im glad my friends left. (also why im not "jamcake" anymore)

i hate my friends. they unfriended me. im glad they left.

i dont even want to call them friends or even ex-friends because they never were.

id call them the same thing they consider me, and that's nothing.

i never expected anyone in that server to befriend me, i was just speaking there because i was bored and alone as usual..

it just came out of nowhere. i guess i should've been suspicious over why they wanted to befriend me when i was so edgy and depressed at the time. to be honest i dont think ive changed much a year later.

at first i didnt treat them well, calling them stupid and things like that- and later on i felt bad and stopped. we started to feel close over time. i still regret changing to be nicer to them.

i think the part that hurts me the most about all of this is that i truly thought they were my friends. i trusted them with art, things i thought of, stuff i NEVER trusted a single other person with showing besides my partner who I've known for atleast 8 years more than any of those people.

we talked about meeting up irl before, i said how grateful i was for them being my friends on new years. i even drew things for them on ocassions (like valentines and their bdays) and bought them things. yes with real money.

obviously they didnt share those feelings because they decided to hide from me in other servers that i wasnt in and never got invited to or told about. and even when i said they could dm me whenever, they didnt. they would talk to my partner instead.

and then one of them has the audacity to make my partner break up with me AND then try to start dating them instead. we have been dating for atleast 5 years now.

i just feel used. i feel so fucking used. i regret doing anything for them, i hate that i was so stupid to think that i was friends with them. i hate it i hate it i hate it so much, its things like this that just makes me hate the world. i HAVE to be nicer but oh, everyone else can just be the assholes they want to.

and apparently all of this hiding started because of one argument i had. i dont know which it was, but it was probably the usual because despite them being my friends and me doing too much shit for them they don't want to give back. so much for friendship.

and they knew very damn well that i had mental health problems and trauma and yet they still demonized me for that. something so long ago i dont even remember what it was. why cant we just forgive and forget for once? we clearly forgot i exist so why not forget that i argued with you

so according to them when i vent its a problem, but when they vent im supposed to care? i lost a friend to this btw. when i mocked them for "venting" because they say they're gonna kill themselves all the time just to fucking guilt trip me and i know its not true but my friend didn't. the fact they just unfriended me over that one gif btw

i wish i didnt mean it when i said i wanted to kill myself

they just talk behind my back all the time, saying im annoying for venting when they fucking ignored it and acted like they couldn't see it anyway, they comforted everyone else like they were royalty though

the last time we talked, it was an argument again and i stopped talking that time because i was upset as i should be. i told this guy a problem i had that made me upset and he acted like i wasnt fucking having an issue at all and like i was overreacting. yeah real friendly stuff

this is the same guy that made me lose a friend because he play vents all the time btw. and he also got upset when i called him racist as a joke but i didnt say you were fucking overreacting when you got sad over that dumb shit now did i

and im not even good at comforting people nor do i really want to take others vents. but i ONLY listened to him because i thought he cared about when i vented, turns out that's not the case

and that's it. story is over now. they just unfriended me without saying anything as usual and thats all now

anyway my takeaways from this is that i feel used, nobody is truly my friend and i shouldn't be giving people shit. i want to be nicer and more generous, but some people dont deserve it. all the friends ive ever had just used me and i obviously meant nothing to them.

i bet they are just living their happy jolly fucking life in the friend group that I FUCKING STARTED BTW that barely ever had me involved in it. despite it being a thing only because i talked there.

also btw that guy got a monsterpiece feature literally the fucking day after i was upset and he said all that bullshit to me. and now he has 1k subs on youtube. assholes always win, we're fucking losers

after this, i no longer want to be associated with the jamcake name. i think i have a bad enough reputation with that name, especially with this friend group, and i would rather not be called it anymore because i dont want to remember any of this. i still like jam boree though

i just hate my life! i should feel better from them no longer being relevant to me but i dont. im just alone again with no one to talk to again and more space to be insane again. and i regret everything ive done for them so much. why am i so stupid? why do i even bother treating people with kindness when i can just treat them like absolute shit like i did before? what's the point? what difference does it even make? none. because no one wants to be my friend anyway.